Volume 5 Chapter 19

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Volume 5 Chapter 19: Thoughts

Sensing Zhang Ningmei suddenly leave the room and quickly head towards Ting’er’s room, Xu Qingfan was momentarily stunned.

"Why did Ningmei suddenly go to see Ting’er?"

Since becoming Xu Qingfan’s disciple, Zhang Ningmei had been very obedient to his words. Before watching over Bai Yu as he meditated, Xu Qingfan had already instructed her to study the principles of cultivation he had taught and to work hard on refining her Divine Sense.

It was already late at night, and since Ting’er was close to reaching Core Formation, Zhang Ningmei should have been inside meditating to refine her Divine Sense, rather than disturbing Ting’er, unless there was something unusual.

Xu Qingfan couldn’t help but cautiously extend his Divine Sense towards Ting’er’s room because Ting’er was highly perceptive.

Just as he finished doing this, Xu Qingfan suddenly realized what he was doing was akin to spying. With a self-deprecating smile, he was about to retract his Divine Sense when he suddenly heard Zhang Ningmei ask, "Elder Sister Ting’er, why did you suddenly call me over?"

Then, Ting’er’s voice came through, low and weary, in a tone Xu Qingfan had never heard before.

"Younger Sister Ningmei, I don’t want to achieve Core Formation anymore."

Hearing this exchange, Xu Qingfan was startled but didn’t withdraw his Divine Sense. Instead, he listened even more intently. Ting’er’s mindset was crucial before Core Formation, as even a slight mistake could lead her to fail in a few days, perhaps even resulting in Qi deviation. Xu Qingfan’s expression became serious.

"Elder Sister Ting’er, what do you mean by that? Isn’t Core Formation something all cultivators below the Condensed Core Stage aspire to?"

Although he couldn’t see her face, Xu Qingfan could imagine the look of confusion on Zhang Ningmei’s face.

"Younger Sister Ningmei, did you know? My uncle… he is actually my father’s murderer. He killed my father, my clan, and all my childhood friends."

Ting’er’s voice grew increasingly weary and subdued, as if she were trying hard to suppress certain feelings deep within her heart.

"What?"

Zhang Ningmei’s voice was full of disbelief. In his heart, Xu Qingfan was gentle and elegant, with a calm and peaceful nature, the kind of person who would never easily take a life, let alone wipe out an entire clan. It was even more surprising to discover the grievances between Ting’er, who relied on Xu Qingfan, and Xu Qingfan, who cherished Ting’er.

Then, before Zhang Ningmei could react, Ting’er began to recount how she and her clansmen were altered and controlled by the demonic pearl, and how Xu Qingfan, along with people from Qingxu Gate and Penance Valley, slaughtered her entire clan. She also told how he killed her father in a duel and ultimately adopted her.

Whether it was due to the growing closeness between her and Zhang Ningmei in recent days, or the emotions that had been bottled up for too long and needed to be shared, or because Xu Qingfan was not around, allowing Ting’er to lower her guard, Ting’er’s words were unexpectedly numerous. Since Xu Qingfan adopted Ting’er, he had never seen her speak so much.

After finishing the story of those past events, Ting’er did not stop; instead, she began to talk about the bits and pieces of life she shared with Xu Qingfan over the years. She spoke of how Xu Qingfan taught her to cultivate immortality, how he taught her to be a good person, how he, for the only time, got angry at her when she recklessly pursued immortality, how he gave her a book called "Record of Three Requests" before leaving once, and how he often lightly patted her head with a gentle smile. She also talked about how her resistance to Xu Qingfan turned into a habit and then into something indispensable and reliant.

Later on, Ting’er shifted the topic from Xu Qingfan and her to just Xu Qingfan himself. She spoke of Xu Qingfan’s exhaustion under heavy pressure and responsibility, his helplessness whenever he saw her indifferent expression, his sorrow when Liu Huaxiang passed away, his pride when she excelled at the sect’s competition, his joy at her Core Formation, and his powerlessness against fate.

Listening to Ting’er’s slow recounting, Xu Qingfan’s feelings… perhaps even he couldn’t describe them.

Guilt? Relief? Pity? Moved?

Some of the things Ting’er talked about were slowly fading from Xu Qingfan’s memory over time, but surprisingly, Ting’er remembered them clearly. When Ting’er spoke about Xu Qingfan’s feelings over the years, Xu Qingfan was taken aback because he didn’t realize that Ting’er, who had been silently watching him from behind, had observed him so thoroughly and understood him so deeply.

In fact, Xu Qingfan always felt guilty towards Ting’er. This guilt wasn’t just because he had once personally killed her father and her people, but also because he had promised to take care of Ting’er when he adopted her, a promise he had never truly fulfilled.

Whether he was in seclusion or leaving the mountain, even though Xu Qingfan and Ting’er were in the same courtyard, they rarely saw each other. Spending ten days a year together with Ting’er was considered good, and even when they met, Xu Qingfan merely taught Ting’er about cultivation. Their meetings often consisted of Xu Qingfan asking about Ting’er’s cultivation progress and Ting’er voicing her doubts, which Xu Qingfan would then answer, marking the end of their encounters. Ting’er would once again watch as Xu Qingfan retreated into his room for seclusion, only to open the door years later.

It was unexpected that Ting’er cherished those ten days deeply and remembered them so vividly, with each moment being profoundly significant to her.

Xu Qingfan suddenly realized that when Ting’er started following him, she was not even ten years old, an age of innocence and wonder, yet he had never given Ting’er the childhood she deserved.

Or rather, ever since the demonic orb appeared in her life, her childhood and innocence were already destroyed, and Xu Qingfan’s presence had only further obliterated them.

Thinking of this, Xu Qingfan’s sense of guilt and pity grew stronger.

After Ting’er finished her heartfelt words, her room fell silent once more, with Ting’er seemingly lost in her memories, while Zhang Ningmei was completely stunned.

"Ting’er elder martial sister, Master was also forced to act as he did back then. You should know he isn’t that kind of person. I think regarding this matter, at least you still have hatred and a goal to hold onto. But every time Master sees you, he feels only guilt, his suffering is no less than yours. Moreover, you’ve seen how Master has treated you over the years, is it still impossible to let go of this hatred?" Zhang Ningmei finally recovered from her shock and slowly comforted her, "Besides, elder martial sister, please don’t be angry with me for saying this, your father and your people, from the moment the demonic orb changed them, they were destined to die."

However, at that moment, Ting’er was lost in her own emotions and memories, seemingly not hearing Zhang Ningmei’s words of comfort. She remained silent for a while and then suddenly spoke out again to herself, "You know what? The reason I’ve been desperately pursuing cultivation all these years is to one day surpass my uncle in power and avenge my father. But my uncle keeps growing stronger. I once thought I would never have a chance to surpass him. However, a few days ago, my uncle unexpectedly called me over and said it was time for me to reach the Core Formation stage. At that moment, I suddenly realized that while my uncle’s skills were advancing, I was improving at an even faster pace. Once I succeed in Core Formation, the gap between my uncle’s abilities and mine won’t be so insurmountable, offering me a chance for revenge."

"But then, at that moment, I suddenly realized, I no longer wanted revenge against my uncle; I just wished to quietly stay by his side, watching over him silently as I did before. I couldn’t bear the thought of what I would become if my uncle suddenly disappeared after I sought revenge."

"I practiced cultivation diligently for the sake of revenge, but when I no longer desired revenge, I suddenly found that whether or not I reached Core Formation meant nothing to me."

"I’m afraid that if I achieve Core Formation and gain the strength for revenge, I might once again harbor the desire for it."

"You know, although I can no longer hate my uncle, every time I meditate, the image of my family members after their death, the scene of my uncle piercing his sword into my father’s body during their duel, keeps haunting me. Their expressions were filled with anger, as if urging me to seek revenge, seemingly upset that I haven’t avenged them and am forgetting them over time."

"So, I don’t want to pursue Core Formation anymore. I want to remain this way indefinitely, without Core Formation, there is no power for revenge, and thus, no need for revenge…"

※※※※

"So, I don’t want to pursue Core Formation anymore. I want to remain this way indefinitely, without Core Formation, there is no power for revenge, and thus, no need for revenge…"

Listening to Ting’er’s words, which carried a hint of innocence and immaturity, Xu Qingfan felt a pang of heartache, even though he knew Ting’er no longer wished to seek revenge against him. A mix of guilt and sorrow overwhelmed him, with no relief in sight.

Ting’er, what kind of pressure and pain has been hidden in her heart all these years?

Unexpectedly, Xu Qingfan remembered the first time he met Ting’er. Back then, Ting’er was not yet ten years old, small and thin, standing in front of her father’s body, softly calling out "father," but her expression was even more indifferent than now.

Silently retracting his Divine Sense, Xu Qingfan didn’t continue to listen. Ting’er’s thoughts and concerns were already understood, so there was no need to keep listening, and Xu Qingfan found himself incapable of listening further anyway.

As for whether Zhang Ningmei can counsel Ting’er, Xu Qingfan already knew the outcome. Though Zhang Ningmei was understanding and thoughtful, Ting’er’s worries originated from Xu Qingfan, her late father and people, and her own heart. They weren’t something a few comforting words could untangle.

With a silent sigh, Xu Qingfan no longer felt like meditating. He walked slowly outside, gazing up at the bright moon and stars in the sky, thinking of the years with Ting’er and her recent words, staring blankly as if seeing Ting’er’s innocence and charm from back then.

The first time Xu Qingfan met Ting’er, the stars and moon in the sky were just like those above Jiuhua Mountain now.

At this moment, it seemed even the memories slowed down.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, nor what Ting’er said inside or how Zhang Ningmei comforted her. Suddenly, he heard a sound from Ting’er’s room. Turning to look, he saw Zhang Ningmei stepping out, her face also somber. Through the gap between Zhang Ningmei and the door, he could see Ting’er sitting silently by the bed, lost in thought.

Seeing Xu Qingfan standing in the courtyard, Zhang Ningmei paused slightly, but she quickly closed Ting’er’s room door and started walking towards Xu Qingfan.

Xu Qingfan waved his hand, signaling Zhang Ningmei to return to her room, and said telepathically, "I heard what you and Ting’er discussed. Go rest in your room, and I’ll find a way to handle it."

Upon hearing Xu Qingfan’s words, Zhang Ningmei nodded obediently and walked towards her room, but before entering, she turned to look at Xu Qingfan. She noticed that his face seemed filled with the same melancholy and helplessness as Ting’er’s, with a trace of worry in his eyes.

With a creak, the door closed, leaving Xu Qingfan alone once more in the courtyard.

Xu Qingfan stood gazing at the starry sky throughout the night. As the stars shifted and the bright sun rose slowly from the horizon, the night faded away. Bathed in morning mist, feeling its dampness on his clothes, Xu Qingfan finally moved, sighed lightly, and walked back to his room.

Meanwhile, as Xu Qingfan stood in the courtyard all night, was Ting’er also sitting silently by her bed, lost in her thoughts?

"I absolutely can’t let Ting’er attempt to break through to the Condensed Core Stage just like that, or she’ll surely suffer from Qi deviation."

Sitting cross-legged on his bed once more, Xu Qingfan collected his emotions and thought silently.