Chapter 18
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When the final episode of Surviving Here was being recorded, the show had already aired three episodes. The unexpectedly high viewership made the production team consider whether they should celebrate for the final episode. However, Sun Chen decided that the last location should be the cave where Coach Wu Fei had tragically passed away. Rather than a celebration, it felt more like a memorial ceremony.
The final task of the show turned out to be the simplest—exploring the cave and delivering flowers. After all the tasks were completed, the crew decided to hold a barbecue, with the remaining filming involving some interview segments. The focus was on interviewing the guest stars, but all the crew members were also asked to share their thoughts, including some small revelations about the celebrities and their own reflections. For this final activity, even the staff who hadn’t been on-site before organized a camping trip, experiencing the location firsthand, and spending the last night together on the mountain with the filming crew.
Liu Cheng wasn’t the type to just “stand by and watch as long as you’re happy.” When he heard that Sun Chen would be participating, he held back for a while but eventually requested a spot as a sponsor.
Returning to the primitive forest where he had spent a week with Sun Chen, Liu Cheng couldn’t help but feel nostalgic.
This time, they passed by the same place on the mountain—the place where Sun Chen had once told him, “I can help you save face if anyone ever mocks you for not having any friends.” Sun Chen’s gesture of goodwill wasn’t lost on Liu Cheng; perhaps he had never realized the depth of Sun Chen’s feelings for him, but with just one sentence, Sun Chen had gone from being someone Liu Cheng found detestable to someone he considered a friend.
Reflecting on the past, Liu Cheng couldn’t help but glance at the person beside him—yes, this time, he was still walking next to Sun Chen. Although the road up the mountain was not as frightening as the descent, and Sun Chen, who was afraid of heights, could walk fine on his own, Liu Cheng still thick-skinnedly stayed by his side. Occasionally, he would offer his hand to help Sun Chen or remind him to be careful of a rock. Sun Chen didn’t push him away, but he didn’t say anything either.
After arriving at the campsite, many of the staff who were there for the first time began exploring the area curiously. For safety reasons, everyone’s activity range was limited, so within the confined space, you could always see a familiar face. Although this wasn’t Liu Cheng’s first time here, the memories of the previous visit made him feel a sense of familiarity with the forest. He thought about whether he should revisit the streams and rocks he had once explored with Sun Chen, and perhaps take Sun Chen with him. But when he turned around, he realized Sun Chen was nowhere to be found.
Liu Cheng wasn’t particularly worried. Sun Chen was always a model of rule-abiding behavior, and since he had set the rule for everyone to stay within the safe zone, there was no way he would break it himself. So, Liu Cheng carefully began searching for Sun Chen within the allowed area.
As he wandered around, Liu Cheng found himself musing that if he could find Sun Chen quickly, it would mean their fate was destined, and they were meant to be together for life. It was like a form of divination, or perhaps a test. Liu Cheng grew increasingly anxious as he searched, fearing that every second he delayed meant that fate was not on their side. He encountered several crew members in the forest, but no sign of Sun Chen. He hurried through groves of trees, climbed over rocks, crossed streams, and suddenly, by a dammed lake, he saw a familiar silhouette.
Liu Cheng wasn’t usually an emotional person, but as he walked toward Sun Chen’s figure, he felt a strange sadness.
Sun Chen must have heard his footsteps, but he didn’t turn around. Liu Cheng quietly sat down beside him. Ever since they had reconnected, Liu Cheng had been walking on eggshells, afraid of making Sun Chen angrier and losing any chance of winning him back. But in this moment, he seemed less afraid because he was beginning to lose hope.
“Xiao Chen, are you still angry?” Liu Cheng asked softly.
Without even turning to look at him, Sun Chen answered, “Yes.”
Liu Cheng wanted to ask, “What can I do to make you stop being angry?” But then he thought, perhaps anger was the only emotion he could still elicit from Sun Chen, and if even that disappeared, he would be even more miserable.
“How did you meet Chen Xi?” he asked before he realized what he was saying.
Sun Chen finally turned to glance at him, and Liu Cheng thought he wouldn’t get an answer. But then Sun Chen spoke. “When I was nine years old, I once stood by a river for over an hour. When I finally decided to go home, I realized there was a boy behind me the whole time. He explained that he didn’t know if I was standing by the river to commit suicide, and if he had tried to stop me, he might have misunderstood the situation. So he just watched to make sure that if I did jump, he could call for help. I asked his name; it was Chen Xi, and that’s how we became friends.”
Liu Cheng felt a sharp pang of regret and sorrow for not being there by that river. “Were you really thinking of jumping that day?” he asked quietly.
“I had considered it,” Sun Chen replied.
After a brief silence, Liu Cheng cautiously asked, “Why?”
“That day, I finally found out who my biological father was. I tracked him down, and he smiled kindly as he sent his child to tutoring class. Then, he frowned and told me that while he knew it wasn’t my fault, he wanted me to stay away from his family and never let him see me again.”
Rage flared up inside Liu Cheng, burning him so intensely that it almost took his breath away.
“How could he say that!”
“He had his reasons, and I later found out what they were.”
“There’s no reason in the world that could justify him saying that!”
Sun Chen calmly looked at the visibly upset Liu Cheng. “When I was 21, he died in a plane crash. My mother, after hearing the news, committed suicide not long after by jumping from a building. It turns out that my mother didn’t design to have me because she wanted a genius child; she simply loved that man and wanted his child.”
Liu Cheng suddenly understood that Sun Chen hadn’t given up on physics at 21 just because the mother who had high hopes for him was gone. He gave it up because he realized that his birth wasn’t because his mother wanted a physicist son.
In fact, Sun Chen probably loved physics. He loved creating and solving puzzles, and what could be more mysterious and fascinating than the puzzles in physics? How could he not want to solve those puzzles?
However, he deliberately avoided physics because it would only remind him that his existence was a complete mistake.
Liu Cheng couldn’t analyze his behavior properly at that moment. He just wanted to act, so he did—he turned and tightly embraced Sun Chen, who was so close yet felt so far away. “I’m sorry, Xiao Chen, I’m so sorry…”
“This has nothing to do with you,” Sun Chen pointed out, somewhat surprised.
Liu Cheng couldn’t explain how it had anything to do with him, but if it didn’t, why did he feel so guilty and sad?
“No matter how you came into this world, it must be because someone did a lot of good deeds in their past life, and the heavens rewarded them with you…”
A thought suddenly flashed through Liu Cheng’s mind, a memory of something his friend He Zaifeng had once said—
“It must be because you did so many bad things in your past life that you ended up with someone like me who loves you in this one.”
At the time, Liu Cheng had found the statement unbearably cheesy and assumed his usually serious friend must have been drunk, but now he couldn’t help but feel the same way. Because the person you love is so wonderful, you have to accept the fact that you’re not worthy of them. For someone like him, maybe he hadn’t done enough good deeds in his past life to deserve being with Sun Chen in this one.
…And perhaps, Chen Xi had done too many good deeds.
Liu Cheng slowly released Sun Chen from his embrace.
“You and Chen Xi…” he hesitated, but before he could finish, a staff member called out to them from a distance. “Mr. Liu, Producer Sun, the barbecue is about to start.”
Liu Cheng stood up first. Although the barbecue filming wasn’t Sun Chen’s responsibility, there was no reason to waste his time with a conversation Liu Cheng himself didn’t know how to continue. He reached out to help Sun Chen up, but Sun Chen ignored his hand, stood up on his own, and walked away without even looking at him.
Liu Cheng could only follow behind in silence, watching Sun Chen’s retreating back. It was always like this—Sun Chen would tolerate him when he thickened his skin to get close, but if Liu Cheng wasn’t careful, he would feel Sun Chen’s anger. While it was a good thing that Sun Chen had become more emotional compared to his previous cold and indifferent self, Liu Cheng just felt more and more distant from the once simple person he knew.
He no longer knew how to approach Sun Chen, and now, he couldn’t even grasp what Sun Chen was thinking.
Xiao Chen, if you truly can’t forgive me, why don’t you just tell me outright so I can give up completely?
…Or is this your punishment for me, because a slow death by a thousand cuts is more fitting for my crime than a swift beheading?
If Sun Chen had told him to stay away, Liu Cheng probably would have done so at this point. But Sun Chen didn’t even bother giving him a clear attitude. No matter how many times he told himself that Chen Xi or anyone else was a thousand times better than he was, Liu Cheng still couldn’t completely let go.