Chapter 5

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Chapter 5: The Sun Too Close

[Yumemi’s POV]

Fading in consciousness.

“Don’t leave me behind!”

Her face twisted in agony.

Her eyes, dark as the end of the world, still held tears that sparkled like stars.

They were etched into my eyelids.

When I woke up,

my body felt as heavy as if it wasn’t mine.

In front of me, she was there.

She was the only one there.

And then, with a smile that seemed about to cry, she said to me:

“I’ll stay by your side.”

I didn’t know what I was trying to say. Only.

“…Ah.”

My throat didn’t tremble, and no words came from my lips.

Apparently, my father and mother had died.

Apparently, I was supposed to die with them.

It didn’t feel real.

After all, I had been unconscious.

But…

I understood that she was left behind alone.

In the afternoon, on the bed, I sat up and looked outside at the blazing sun, then looked away and thought. She was the sun for us, I realized.

I placed my hand on my legs that no longer moved.

I pinched them, but felt no pain.

I looked back at the sun.

Closed my left eye, opened only my right.

I saw nothing.

Only pitch-black darkness.

As the days of hospitalization went on, I truly felt that my father and mother were gone.

After all, they never visited even once.

But in their place.

Every day, every day, she came.

She would sit on the chair next to my bed, reading books.

She knew I couldn’t speak, so she didn’t seem to expect a response, but she would talk to me in between, saying things like “The weather is nice today.”

In reality, even before I lost my voice, I hardly ever had a proper conversation with her.

Even though we lived in the same house.

Since I was little, I had trouble talking to people.

I was a fool. I couldn’t put together the words I wanted to say properly, and the moment I spoke, they would turn into meaningless noise.

As a result, thinking about how others would perceive me, I always swallowed my words.

But now I think, in that house.

Perhaps she longed for conversation, no matter how clumsy the words were.

After realizing that, I began to feel a pain in my chest.

Somehow.

Somehow, I wanted to throw that pain out of my body.

So.

“…Ah, ah…ri.”

I gave a broken thank you.

I already knew.

That she wouldn’t be happy with those words.

That those words would hurt her deeply.

I understood everything.

Understanding that, I said it.

“…”

That day, she just hung her head and stayed in the chair until visiting hours were over, without moving.

After she left,

I clenched my fists and hit my immobile legs.

Over and over.

“Sa…y.”

I couldn’t even curse myself for being the worst.

Since elementary school,

I was often compared to her.

“You’re stupid because your sister took all the brains for herself!”

They laughed at me like that.

I was frustrated, but I had no words to retort.

I thought maybe it was true.

Unlike her, I couldn’t do anything.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do anything right — studies, sports, nothing.

The least I could do was not to cry.

It wasn’t that I hated her.

I couldn’t hate her.

But…

I was scared.

When I came home after being bullied, my father, who had been fired from his job again, would be there reading job magazines.

When he saw my face, he seemed to understand something instantly.

He would smile sadly with his brows furrowed and pat my head.

Now I understand.

My father was full of inferiority complex.

He was just like me.

That’s why he empathized with me, and feared her.

She was the sun.

It was the sun, too close.

Since we were young, I had always watched her.

The perfect person who could do anything.

Someone different from us.

Someone different from me.

I had always watched her back.

Our gazes hardly ever met.

I always averted my eyes from her gaze.

I thought if I didn’t, I would burn, crumble, and die.

But…

“Don’t leave me behind!”

At least at that moment,

her eyes were frozen with sadness.

The feared fever was nowhere to be found.

Where did it go wrong?

No, surely, everything

was wrong from the beginning.

Every day, every day, she came.

Yet, when I woke from a long nap, the sun had already set.

In the hospital room, it was just me alone.

She was nowhere to be seen.

It felt like the world had broken.

I grabbed my unmoving legs.

My legs, bruised from repeated self-harm.

I gripped them hard, wishing they would break.

They didn’t move.

They couldn’t move.

I couldn’t go anywhere.

What use were such legs?

Useless (I do not need),

useless (I do not need),

useless (I do not need).

What am I worth?

Useless (I do not need),

useless (I do not need),

useless (I do not need).

I guess she didn’t need me anymore.

No (I refused).

“Uh…ah”

I don’t like that.

“Ah, ah…!”

It’s painful.

So painful, I can’t breathe.

I’m dizzy.

My body tilted.

“Ahh!”

My body, emaciated from my stay in hospital, fell off the bed with a loud thud.

It hit the hard floor.

It was painful.

And it was so cold.

I thought I would freeze.

But then.

“Yumemi!”

She was there.

“What are you doing!”

She rushed over and picked me up.

Warmth spread from where she touched.

I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want her to leave.

I had only her.

Now there’s no one else but her…

“O…ne…”

Now that I think about it, since I was little, I had never called her that.

“Onee…chan.”

Ah, why.

I want to call her now.

I desperately want to call her.

…Onee-chan!

“What is it, Yumemi…!”

She tried to answer my wordless call, and I gripped her arm with all the strength I had.

I had decided not to cry.

But tears poured out.

“Ka…ide.”

Through the tears, I couldn’t see her face.

Even though I was already in middle school, all I could do now was cry like a child.

I was just scared.

I didn’t want to be alone.

“Don’t…leave!”

I squeeze out a voiceless cry that can’t fit into words.

I clung to her and begged.

“Don’t leave me behind”

The reason I chose those words was…

“…!”

Because I was hopelessly cowardly.

“I won’t leave you.”

Saying those words, knowing

my older sister would see herself in me,

that’s why I said them.

“I won’t leave you behind!”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I apologized in my heart countless times.

But I never said it aloud.

Even if it’s cowardly, even if it’s dirty.

Right now.

“I won’t leave you…”

I couldn’t let go of this warmth.

“Stay by my side.”

In my sister’s arms,

I could finally breathe.

Translator’s Note: The Author only has 5 Chapters on Syosetu, but there’s more parts from other Websites [Like estar.jp].