The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Evil Lich System (RT)
Legend has it that every transcender who broke through the boundaries of space and time will receive a gift from the world… Yeah, it is commonly known as the Golden Ring that is said to be a must-have of every transcender.

The Evil Lich System… that is my damned Golden Ring.

A long time ago, it didn’t go by this name. It had the beautiful name of ‘The Training System of a Holy Knight’, but as soon as I gave up on the identity of a Holy Knight and started on the path of Dark Magic, it ended up with its current name.

A long time ago, the daily quests it offered were to help old grannies across the road, little girls find their lost kittens and such, very different from the accursed missions I have been receiving recently.

“Looking at the daily quests… It is the damned two-choose-one option again. Destroy a town with a population of 30,000 people of above, reward: 10,000 evil points. Steal lollipop from 3 children, reward: 1 evil point. If neither of the quests is completed, 2 points are deducted.”

"Tsk! Do you think that I would be so foolish? If I really destroyed a town, a crusade of epic class Holy Knights would definitely come hunting me down. Then, even if I did earn my points, there wouldn’t be any life left in me to spend them."

Casually snatching away a lollipop from a Tauren loli passing by, I watch as the crying girl got pulled away by her mother. I put the lollipop into my mouth and hear the clashing sound between the lollipop and my bones. Only then did I recall that I had lost my sense of taste.

“Sigh, when can I start to experience the joy of eating delicious food again? Although mana can make me feel full, it doesn't feel satisfying at all.”

Despite the mother’s attempt to pull away her daughter, the little girl didn’t seem to be willing to give up. Looking at me with her large watery eyes, her expectations seem to rise after noticing that I was unable to consume food.

Did you think this uncle Lich is only pulling a prank? Did you think that I would return the lollipop back to you?

Alright, so as to not betray the other party’s expectations, kacha kacha, I bit the lollipop in many pieces before spitting them one by one onto the ground.

Boohoo!! Mum, that weird uncle stole my candy.”

“Don’t look, let’s go.”

Just as expected, I hear a resounding cry in the air. In that instant, my mood lifts as a memory of a certain fearless kid flashes through my mind.

“Are Undead unworthy of human rights?  Ancient magic scrolls treated like rough paper and vandalized, dragon blood ink used as color paint, an alchemy medicine that took me so much trouble to make was drank as soda. Even my bones were secretly disassembled just for it to be reassembled again, as though playing a puzzle. I only slept for two hours and yet my entire laboratory became a wreck. The destructive power of kids is too scary…”

“Sigh, when can I have my revenge.” Thinking about those fearless rascals, especially a certain untamed kid, I grind my teeth in anger.

Suddenly, I hear a notice from the System.

Ding, congratulations in succeeding in driving the 100th young kid to tears. Reward: 10 Evil Points. ——A loli that looks like she is 6 years old but is actually 20 years old is a legal loli? Not in calculation range, an expired pseudo-loli is evil!”

Looking at my sudden accomplishment, I feel a surge of joy. The first accomplishment unlocked always gives 10 points, which is equivalent to the points I get from 10 days of my daily quests.

“Following the norm, if making 100 of them cry unlocks an accomplishment, making 1000 of them cry should have one as well, and the reward would at least be multiplied several folds…”

Thus, I turned my eyes to the lolis and shotas on the street…

“Bah, even if I didn’t receive the daily quest for it, making those disobedient kids learn how to follow rules to prevent others from suffering the same fate as I is also the duty of a good person.”

“What should I play? Right, Granting Life, I shall turn the toys of those rascals into disgusting monsters that run about and paint the color of their lollipops to the color of feces with my magic paint.”

As a frequent victim of those rascals, just simply thinking about my destroyed magic scrolls and my precious classical books makes evil ideas pop up continuously.

“No, no, that isn’t enough, how about turning the pillow cover into a magical beast that eats human, making them shiver whenever they see a pillow in the future. Right, there is also Evard’s Black Tentacles, I could make them enjoy tickling hell.”

“Oh, aren’t those rascals afraid of monsters and ghosts? Hee hee, it is time to start rebuilding my Undead army. Awaken, my Undead Calamity!!”

That day, I finally learned that there are less than 200 kids living in that area…

Bringing about a few thousand Skeletons, Abominations and Dullahans on the street seem to be an overkill…

That day, before the Town Security army arrives on the scene and capture me, I have already walked every nook and cranny of the street and even so, I only managed to drive 160 of them to tears…

After the Town Security members realized that the reason for summoning an Undead army was to exact vengeance on playful kids, their dumbfounded faces and looks of despise became my new dark history.

“Congratulations in receiving looks of despise from a hundred females simultaneously, you have received a special accomplishment ‘Did this kid’s brain get soaked in water or paste’, and you have been awarded the noble title ‘Mentally Disabled Kid’. After equipping this title, there is a fixed probability of receiving sympathy from females, but the females’ impression of the wearer as a male will be lowered by 100 points.”

…Anyway I am already used to being played a fool by the System and my reputation is already at its worst. Given the System’s affirmation of my charisma evidenced by my -88 charm, it doesn’t make much of a difference even if my luck with the opposite sex is reduced by 100 points… The ending is still the same anyway, being unable to find a girlfriend.

Why, even though it was just rational analysis, but as I say these words, I feel as though my eyes were bleeding tears… Alright, I am a great wizard who have been single for 300 years old but at least, I have exacted my vengeance against those rascals!

Remembering the wailing of the children, I laugh satisfactorily. I have already thought about what to write in my diary today.

AD1896, on the summer on the Year of Dragon, 6th March, destined to be carved on the memories of the rascals of Liu Huang City, the legend known as ‘The Lollipop Hunter Incident’ and ‘The Man-Eating Pillow Incident’.

“That day, kids will remember the terror of that man’s dominance… The shame of having one’s beloved items taken away, the despair of being eaten by one’s toys and the fear of being surrounded by Undead…

As I thought about what to write in my diary, the System Notice sounded out again.

Ding! You have unlocked the accomplishment of making a hundred kids cry within a day! Reward: 10 Evil Points. Congratulations, you have awarded the noble title ‘The Bane of Kids’. After equipping this title, lolis and shotas who are 12 years old and younger will feel a natural threat from you. A kind reminder, if you make 500 children cry in one go, you will be awarded the noble title ‘Kids Killer’ and if you make 1000 children cry…”

The System Notice suddenly stops at this point. I can’t help but start feeling some anticipation. Although it is a spiteful title, if I am able to keep those rascals away from me, it can be considered an unexpected blessing as well.

“…at one go, you will be awarded the noble title ‘To Argue With Kids At Your Age, Can’t You Be More Mature’. Oh, you should thank me. Actually, this should be the title most befitting of you now.”

“Shit, I can’t tolerate this anyone. Darn System, this is all your fault! You are going down!!”

“Master, you got locked up in jail this time for stealing lollipops… Next time, would it be due to stealing a girl’s underwear? I don’t really want to come here to fetch a pervert.”

The one currently speaking is my loyal servant, the Half-Demon of my mansion, the silver-haired Elisa.

Gold-black framed spectacles, silver ponytails, tiger teeth, a purple tail with a butterfly knot at the end and a European maid costume, it showcases the little demon’s character perfectly and at the same, exposed a certain Lich’s interest…

All along, I have been satisfied with Elisa’s outer appearance. If only she could change her personality, expressionless face and venomous tongue, it would be perfect.

“It is not like you aren’t aware of my darned System. Getting points just by making a few little girls cry is what a good person should be doing.”


She passes a thick photo album to me.

“This… oh, well done Elisa! As expected of my loyal servant!”

“I can roughly guess what happened. These are the contact details for children going to Liu Huang Mountain City’s largest kindergarten, I have carefully picked out the names on the list, it should be convenient for you to finish your quest now.”

“Well done! To think that I thought that you were looking forward to my death so that you can regain your freedom, I guess it is all a misunderstanding on my part. Good job, you are a good person as well.”

“Let me see!” Opening the list of contact details, my face turned bitter.

“Contact details for the three children of Liu Huang City’s Holy Church Archbishop’s, the daughter of Dragon Slayer Amro who just started going to kindergarten, War God Xynso’s precious son… Are you sure you are trying to help me and not trying to send me to hell!”

My anger, as usual, is disregarded by the other party. The Half-Demon young lady pushes her spectacle frame upwards as a cold gleam reflects off the lenses.

“The great reputation of the 'Lollipop Hunter' has already permeated the entirety of Liu Huang Mountain City. I am criticized the moment I leave the mansion. For the sake of this lady’s reputation, I would really like to change my job. Or rather, master, you should start paying the salary you had owed me for ten years.”

“Hahaha, let’s not talk about money, it sours relationships, you know. Let’s go, I can’t wait to return to our warm home.”

“Escapism isn’t what a gentleman should be engaging in and please don’t change the topic… Why are you pulling me to run with you, what are you planning this time?”

“As expected of my little Elisa who have been beside me for so long. Today’s daily quest is a splendid explosion, you know…”

“I get it. Please hold on tight, I will now use my mana to escape!”

A silver dokodemo door opens and both master and servant hurriedly enter. As the short distance instantaneous movement magic disperses, there is no longer anyone in our surroundings. In the background, a large explosion resounds and followed closely by is the ringing of fire alarms.

“Delayed bomb? I thought the Town Security seals the magic of their prisoners?”

“No, it only looks like a bomb but it is actually flour put together with chili powder and completed with a bit of dust, a dust bomb. It doesn’t have much power, so it is insufficient to kill anyone. On top of that, I doubt they would be able to find concrete evidence against me.”

“As expected of the ‘wise’ Lich, to think you would be able to create a bomb simply made of food ingredients even after having your magic sealed.”

“Thank you, your praise embarrasses me.”

“No one is praising you. Alright, as a Lich, I guess this could be considered a praise.”

What is a Lich?

“Not a good person, the most fearsome Undead.” This is probably what most people would think when hearing this word.

“The lump of bones make their hairs stands at ends, the soulfire burning in their eyes are frightening, giving a feeling as though they are engaging in some malicious act.” This is the view of normal citizens.

“The ultimate incarnation of evil, the villainous schemer!” This is what the Church’s Holy Knights view them as.

As an Undead, the ultimate form of Black Mages, the Liches, who only have bones remaining, often do not have a good reputation, but…

“Slander, it is blatant discrimination! How can one be judged based on their race! I have always thought that race, skin color, social stratification and all kinds of discriminations are simply human foolishness. The world only has lowly people who despise and discriminate others and no lowly race, skin color or birth. I really am a good person.”

“If a person such as yourself can be considered a good person, then the bloodthirsty Undead living in the east of the city could be considered saints then?”

“I wouldn’t say saints, but everyone is just cold-faced warm-hearted pacifists. Just look, Undead are thrifty with their rations and do not take up much space. A single grave could fit an entire family. They do not eat or drink and they work passionately in their job. They contribute but don’t demand luxury in return. They are all good people.”

The Half-Demon maid laughs. The restricted zone that is rumored that no living person has ever walked out of alive was actually viewed as a gathering place for good people by her master.

“Hoho, master, you really know how to joke. Bloodthirsty Undead are good people? Then what about the Priests of the Holy Church who are well-received by the people? They heal the citizens for free and even give out free meal every Sunday to feed those in poverty.”

“A bunch of hypocrites and pedophiles. You see, Elisa, humans have desires and needs. If one suppresses their desires too much, even if they aren’t pedophiles now, they will turn into one when they are unable to suppress their desires any longer and bursts. Although they say that desires are a sin, they are definitely perverted pedophiles underneath. I mean, just look at how those old man act so chummy to those little boys, it would be weird to think that there is nothing wrong with them. Also, the single-celled organisms known as Holy Knights, they are a bunch of barbarians who threatens to kill me whenever they see me!”

“Fine, master, I get that your illness is acting up again. I guess even that Ancient Red Dragon who lives in the sulfur mountains feared as the Disaster of Veron who destroyed a country by herself is a docile and cute being in master's eyes huh.”

“No no, Xiao Hong didn’t pay much attention to her diet nowadays and is getting a little bit overweight. If she were to lose 20 or 30 tons and shed those extra fats to bring out the curves, she would be even cuter.”

“Then, what about those awe-inspiring and helpful Dark Elf Town Security army who maintains the peace of the city? You should be quite close with them right? Just within these 2 months, I have already went to the prison five times to fetch you.”

“…You can try asking those unlucky store owners who have been tyrannized by them. My views are the same as them. Tsk, a bunch of crazy bitches, our Freedom Gentleman Alliance are archenemies with them.”

Shaking her head in frustration, she ignores the suspicious sounding organization that her master spoke of and continues questioning.

“…Then what about our City Lord who saved the world and had his name spread far and beyond? He raised the flag of equality and established this city in the chaotic Underground World, creating a land of peace for different races to coexist on a land where war constantly ravages on.”

“A severe chuunibyou patient who has been sick for a few hundred years. How old is he, to still be playing hero and slaying the demon king to save the world. Such an old-fashioned story, serves him right to be single his entire life.”

“… You really dare to say it huh. You messed with two of his weddings and now everyone’s saying that he is destined to remain alone. On birth, he brings misfortune to his family. Going on an adventure, he brings misfortune to his brothers. Marrying, he brings misfortune to his spouse. He has such great qualifications coupled with good looks, but not a single lady in Liu Huang City is willing to accept his proposal now.”

“…It is not as though I did it intentionally, does he have to hold the grudge for so long…”

“Not as though you did it intentionally? You did it purposely, didn’t you? Let’s not talk about how you made me spread the rumors about how he was cursed by heavens to remain single. At his wedding, you created an Undead Calamity, bringing ghosts to wander about in there. Do you know how many girls you frightened at that night?”

“I am just celebrating his wedding for him. Seeing how that old bachelor is finally getting married, I was simply too happy and brought a few hundred ghosts to do the robot dance. Who knew that his wife-to-be would be so frightened that she peed on the spot.”

Although I said that I didn’t do it intentionally, I was secretly satisfied with my work. “Bah, since I haven’t resurrected to possess a complete body yet, how can I allow you enjoy a blissful sex life.”

“Old Master, you know that every time you get over excited, you would put your hands on your hips and stomp your feet. Look, your evil intentions are spilling out now. Fine, let’s not talk about your ‘great results’. What about your Lich brethren in the Empire of Undead Xiluo? Those guys are on the wanted in many countries and if any single one of them were to get out into the world, the world would be plunged into chaos.”

“… Actually, it is just a misunderstanding that everyone has against us. The reason why we study the profound intricacies of the cycle of life and death, isn’t it just to allow everyone to have longer lives? Actually, we specialize in treatment as well. If it is talking about the effectiveness of the treatment and the possible side effects arising from the treatment, our treatments are much better than that of the Priests. Don’t just look at how convenient their Holy Light is. It actually consumes the person's life force and shortens the lifespan. Our art of biological re-engineering is free of toxic, free of harm, free of pollution and we solve the root of the problem at one go."

“…Then why are you depending on the System to revive yourself? Why don’t you just make a body for yourself?”

“I don’t want to be a deformed monster with 3 hands and 6 legs. Even if it is a perfect humanoid shape, problems will occur sooner of later…”

Seeing how the Lich himself isn’t confident in his skills in biological re-engineering, what else can Elisa say.

“Fine fine, then in your eyes, what do I count as?”

“…A cold faced demonic old granny? An A-cup young lady?” Of course, I wouldn’t be so dumb to say these words out loud.

“Oh, Elisa, of course, you are my most trusted subordinate? We once made a promise to fulfill our dream of conquering the sea of stars.”

“Before you realize your dreams in the stars, shouldn’t you first pay this poor lonely girl her salary which you have owed for over ten years?”

Knowing that her master’s illness is acting up once again, the silver-haired Half-Demon props up her glasses, a cold gleam shining on the surface of the spectacles as cold words spat out from between her teeth.

“If you still continue to be so flippant, I guess your treasured collections are going to…”

“Fine, Elisa, I apologize.” Thinking about his previous collections, a certain Lich immediately surrenders.

“Hmph.” After succeeding in subduing her superior, the fallen angel hums a tune as she walked out of the door.

As the housekeeper of the mansion, she has no time to waste time on her chuunibyou master.

But looking at her dejected back, my mood took a dive.

A while after she walked out of the door, I start to recall some memories and mumble to myself.

“…I guess, grudgingly, she could be considered a family. I still remember the girl who, even under the worst conditions, floating in the River Styx, perseveres on and refuses to give up. The girl who hunted in the night of a blizzard just to stay alive. You are probably the best thing this world has given me and bringing you back was the most correct decision I have made in my life.”

Suddenly, a face pops out from behind the door.

The normally cold face flushes with a color of bright red, which spreads to her trembling long ears.

Then, she disappears behind the door once again.

“Hee hee, although you know me well, do you think I wouldn’t understand you as well? You foolish evil granny. Even if you are sly, you still have to repay back the debt you owe me obediently until your death.”

I spoke these harsh words loud and laughed maniacally. But in my heart, I panicked.

“… She heard it! She definitely heard it!!!”

"Yeah, it is commonly known as the Golden Ring that is said to be a must-have of every transcender."
TL: Golden Ring is a term commonly used in games and novels to refer to a cheat-like ability(ies) or certain unfair advantages

"Alright, I am a great wizard who have been single for 300 years old but at least, I have exacted my vengeance against those rascals!"
TL: There is a net rumor where if a guy remains single for 30 years, he will become a wizard.

"A silver dokodemo door opens"
TL: The one Doraemon uses to travel around

Disaster of Veron, a reference to some DND but I’m not really sure of the exact translation

"“A severe chuunibyou patient who has been sick for a few hundred years."
TL: Chuunibyou refers to people who are caught up in their fantasies, like 'I have a sealed cursed hand and if released it will destroy the whole world' etc. That isn't from me.

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